Top 10 Things to Get You Fired Before You're Hired

For those of you (and I hear that there are many), who sit around and dream of going to interviews just for the sake of social interaction and have no remote desire to obtain employment, I present to you a few sure-fire tactics to ensure that you don't get that job.

1. Show up late:   

  Time is relative, right? Does anybody really know what time it is? Haven't they ever heard of a grace period or being fashionably late? It is absolutely ridiculous that a building has that many floors anyway. And that elevator was awfully slow. Plus traffic in the city is so unpredictable.

2. Dress for distraction: 

You would think that wearing hosiery with that teeny weeny dress should qualify it as business casual. And those gold hula hoops, I mean earrings, should really get some attention. I know that everyone else in your office is wearing a suit but I'm really much more comfortable in these jeans and sneakers. They're name brand, so what's the problem.

3. Don't let them know what you know: 

They have your resume. What more do they need? They should read the resume and give you the job

Well they must not have read your resume already, so just read it to them during the interview -- LINE BY LINE! Then sit and wait for their response.

4. Forget the past:

Make sure you neglect to mention anything in your employment history that might actually make you a good match for the job. Read the job posting thoroughly and make sure that you only mention skills that have nothing to do with the job you're applying for. Or, better yet, don't even read the job posting that well. Just wing it during the interview. There are exceptions to this rule. Refer to rules #5 and #6 for details.

5. Tell your life story:

This seems to conflict with #4, but hear me out. Forget your past employment history, but be sure to relay your life story. Bring up every irrelevant personal fact that you can think of. The interviewer has nothing better to do and it may help them see you as a real person. What type of real person you'll be perceived as remains to be seen, but a real person nonetheless.

6. Badmouth your previous employer:

    Again, this seems to conflict with #4, but try to stick with me here. Forget your prior work history, but not your prior boss. Let this potential employer know every little thing you despised about your prior boss. Relay it in excruciating detail. After all, the interviewer may see how passionate and detail-oriented you are. And who doesn't want that in an employee?

7. Talk salary first:

After all, it's all about you and what you want and need. If the salary isn't right, don't even waste your time talking. Just kindly excuse yourself, run to your car and don't look back! It's a small world, but who cares if you meet them again.

You can just pretend you don't remember them. Or better yet, who cares if the cheapskate recognizes you anyway!

8. Talk benefits second:

If the salary meets your standards but the interviewer starts trying to discuss your qualifications, firmly but politely reinforce that it's all about you and you will answer his/her questions once he/she answers yours. Fair enough. Then ask for extra vacation to begin your second week of work. You'll need a week to adjust after your first week of work. Perfection takes time. They must understand this.

9. If cornered, talk about your qualifications:

But gloss over them and break out your fiction storytelling skills. Embellish a little, ok a lot. Throw out lots of industry jargon that you looked up on Google. Make sure you have no idea what that jargon means and then desperately attempt to explain it. Use industry terms out of context. This is also the opportune time to use the "word of the day" even though it has no relevance to the interview. Use the word over and over and over ...

You get my point.

10. And, finally, the coup de grace:  

If all else fails, and it appears that you may still be a serious contender for the position, begin to speak incomprehensibly, abruptly grab your things, take the time to knock down a few items as you exit and do whatever it takes to get a security escort out of the building.



My work here is done. Plan your work and work your plan. If you're a serious job seeker, please disregard everything prior to this sentence.

Happy job hunting!